I want to see the path clearly laid out in front of me, the obstacles coming up, the views all around, how everything works together. That’s what I’m used to and that’s what I’d prefer. I want to
control “see” the end result.
I once prayed for God to ‘show me’ what he wanted me to do, specifically. I wanted the answer and then I promised that would obediently act upon it. I thought my heart was in the right place, that I was being Godly and good and all that. But, in this case and most other times, God did not show me the detailed picture, and that could be a purposeful thing. Rather than looking for the one right answer (if there is indeed only one) I believe God would rather have me pay close attention to the particularities of my life, and then respond by making the best choice in a particular situation at a particular time.
My husband suggested to me that one needs to make decisions fully prepared to bear the outcome of those decisions… both good and bad. That is so hard to do. Making a good and Godly decision can bring difficult things to me… offended feelings, no affirmation, silence from friends where words would have been better. Being a people pleaser (wanting people to like me has always been an issue for me) in decisions, draws me to sometimes choose directions that will bring the most confirmation from the most people… which is really a lack of personal resolve. It keeps me from choosing anything or choosing too many things at once.
I remember one difficult decisions I had to make alone. We were looking for a new dog. After praying and searching I found a potential dog at the local SPCA. I did my due diligence, brought him to the vet, brought him home to meet the family, had him for a sleep over, and now faced with… would he stay or would he go? I asked my husband for his input and he said this, “This decision is for you to make. I’m ambivalent.” Man, that bugged me. I wasn’t 100% sure. I was nervous and wavering. But I made the decision based on all the information I had at the time. Yes, I kept the dog. You probably remember Buddy… I’ve written about him before.
My daily life with God is a lot like that. I don’t know 100% what God wants me to do. I don’t hear the audible voice of God very often, and I struggle with the many voices of influence in my life. But, I recognize that God is providing me with all the information I need to make good decisions. Some of it is very obvious stuff related to my age and stage of life and the priorities attached to that. Some is based upon an understanding of how he has made me, gifted me, and empowered me to live. And some is based upon my limited knowledge of God himself, his character, his purposes for me and for this world I live in.
At times my indecision is because I’m preoccupied with internal conversations of should I do this… what if I did that… or what about this… Like the conversation between the author and God in ‘Conversion Diary‘, a blog I follow, all the ‘dithering’ drags me down, tires me out, and takes the passion right out of me. I get caught up in the whirlpool in my mind, complicating things, rationalizing, arguing, rather than keeping my eyes on God and what he’s already up to all around me.
God will place opportunities in front of me every day, if only I would see them. He’s busy everywhere… it’s not that difficult. And what he wants me to do isnt’ that difficult either. God isn’t causing the confusion, I am. God isn’t causing the procrastination, the double-guessing, the inaction, I am.
Yet, I don’t believe God wants to fix me. I do believe he wants me to keep looking to him for all I need, rather than inside myself where I get lost and messed up. This person who he created me to be is complex, raw, and a slow learner. I will probably continue to have times of confusion and lack of focus in my life, because that’s who I am. But baggage and all, He simply wants me to show up every day ready for action.
The Bible says, “For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” 1 Corinthians 13:11-13
That partially obscured glimmer of God, is enough to give me forward momentum most days. It keeps me curiously expectant of what is coming next, keeps me waiting wide-eyed, for the unique God planned opportunities to present themselves.
And I pray that they will.
Sol Deo Gloria