I have no idea why some things happen to me. I do know how they make me feel. In life I try to do the right thing. Perhaps I try a little too hard? Or, maybe I think I’ve got it figured out? Maybe a little bit of self-righteousness creeps in and pride comes before a fall? I can’t really say why it happens. But, suddenly, I blow it, BIG TIME.
I feel shame. There’s a painful knot in my gut. My mind is filled with ridicule. How could I do this? What was I thinking? How can I possibly make it right? Now what? I’ve ruined everything!
I try to make things better, say the right words, apologize, rectify, promise not to do it again… but I just can’t fix it. I can’t rewind the tape and erase my words, my actions, my inaction. Even if the one I hurt forgives me, still I feel condemned. And the situation wraps itself around me in a strangle hold. It’s all I can think of. On and on and on…
FULL STOP! I know a momentary lack of judgement, a word misspoken, or a big ugly mistake, is not the measure of a life. I know there’s more going on when the echos in my head are mean spirited, cruel, cutting, and condemning. I am well aware of a mortal enemy, and his particular way of trying to get at me where it hurts most. He gets personal every time.
So I bring myself and my mistake and my guilt here;
God, please forgive me for what I did, for what I said. Forgive me for hurting one of your kids. Thank you for seeing me as clean and forgiven. Help me to move beyond this. Protect me from the darkness that would surround me and keep me down. Protect me from the evil one who would destroy me. God, fill me with your peace about this situation. Burn a deeper compassion/empathy/grace for others because of my mistake and your forgiveness. Then put everything in it’s rightful place, and allow me to move into your freedom.
And then, I’m done with it. Thank you God, it is done.